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like a 13 year old boy found in the sights of a hormone-mad 14 year old girl

by on January 8, 2013

Just as it used to be, the vast majority of my war targets drop corp or hide in station for the entire duration of a war. This can be frustrating, but luckily for us, we have other hobbies as well. We’ve taken to invading missions, we often sit around suspect goading people to shoot us, and, as you know, being one of my two loyal readers, I join peoples corps with the intention to kill their unsuspecting dudes.


So last weekend I joined a corp looking to kill something juicy finding, as I often do, only noobs in mining frigates. Luckily for me, the CEO was super proud to have an Orca and I convinced him to help me ‘move my stuff’ to the corps home system from Jita. Alas, he claimed to not have enough isk for the collateral for my courier contract, so this kill wasn’t expected to net me any profit in particular.


After several days of scheduling issues and me finally ready to admit I wasn’t going to get to kill this Orca the stars aligned and it looked like I was finally going to get to do the work.


So we fleeted up and I handed over a couple empty cargo containers for him to carry. I was showing him how webbing an orca can make it enter warp more quickly and after three or four jumps he was taking my fleet warp. So I warped us to a planet, put a point on him, and started chewing in my coercer.


For a second he was stunned, but it wasn’t long before he made the most common response to this situation:

[ 2013.01.05 04:50:18 ] Delrago > really?

[ 2013.01.05 04:50:55 ] Ninegalus Milarus > Yeah.


So, smug as fuck, he popped some hammer head 1s and started roughing me up a little. My poor coercer didn’t have much tank and the characters skills were pretty poor, so they did a pretty significant amount of damage to me. I was starting to worry that I was going to lose a ship to my victim, which happens occasionally and is terribly embarrassing. Luckily for me I was channelling kil2 and started swinging back and forth, using a combination of positioning and webs to get the transversal low enough that I could kill the drones. There were a couple points where I lost point on the Orca, but thankfully they don’t recover quickly from bumps and take a long time to get into warp. So, finally, in low armor and having killed all his drones, I got my knife and fork back out and got back to the business of eating the Orca.


Of course I offered a ransom, but he declined, instead offering to dock up and trade me the Orca. I’m not usually an idiot, so of course I disregarded that offer and just kept chewing. He did briefly entertain me on the way down by claiming to not care about the kill because he had infinite money. I responded that he claimed just minutes earlier to not have enough isk for collateral on a courier contract, and he dropped 1.2b worth of bounty on one of my safari alts heads. It was pretty lulzy.


Also, much like many before him, he seemed to think that logging off would save him, so I finished the last of the meal in silence.



So, with that delicious treat to start off my day, I skipped off to another alt to do something similar to some other careless pubbies. I saw a corp recruiting that at first glance looked somewhat promising, but I was feeling lazy, so I just cold threw in an app saying I was a cool dude looking for other cool dudes to be cool dudes with. I threw in my ex-army status, because patriotism is cool, and to my surprise I found myself in corp a few minutes later.


Looking around, I found that pickings were quite slim, and I would probably have to satisfy myself with a retriever. On my way to the kill, though, something interesting happened.


[ 2013.01.05 06:21:33 ] Jacob Lane Vulture > Miktetic what is your current choice of ship?  And what’s the biggest you can fly?

[ 2013.01.05 06:22:21 ] Miktetic > I can fly a Mackinaw, but I don’t have one, so it’s retriever in the mean time.

[ 2013.01.05 06:24:34 ] Jacob Lane Vulture > Miktetic how much you need?


I didn’t want to seem too eager, so I downplayed the whole thing a bit, like a 13 year old boy found in the sights of a hormone-mad 14 year old girl, shuffling my feet and looking shyly at the ground, trying to pretend that getting free money would be pretty okay while hoping that my penis didn’t leap out of my pants and thrash around the room like a dying sandworm.


In the end, I got somewhere around 120m hamfisted into my wallet in the name of impressing the new guy. Unfortunately the dudes doing the hamfisting were still only in mining barges with a Harb to clear off rats themselves. Still, even little skulls make the skull throne bigger, and the tears afterward were excellent.


[ 2013.01.05 06:55:00 ] Jacob Lane Vulture > Seriously, why was that even necessary?

[ 2013.01.05 06:55:05 ] Jacob Lane Vulture > I was comletely unarmed dude…

[ 2013.01.05 06:55:08 ] Jacob Lane Vulture > completely*

[ 2013.01.05 06:55:22 ] Miktetic > Yeah.

[ 2013.01.05 06:55:47 ] Qualinesti Harrashoni > well im never helping anyone new to the corp again

[ 2013.01.05 06:55:54 ] Jacob Lane Vulture > Right?

[ 2013.01.05 06:56:13 ] Miktetic > Or accepting anyone who cold applies without checking them out or even talking to them first?

[ 2013.01.05 06:56:25 ] Miktetic > Thanks for the cash, though.

[ 2013.01.05 06:56:34 ] Qualinesti Harrashoni > whatever ass


They went on for a good long while, and I’ll drop the full pastebin at the bottom, but here are some choice bits.


[ 2013.01.05 07:00:52 ] Jacob Lane Vulture > Sit down and quit acting like your something besides a piece of garbage ;p

[ 2013.01.05 07:01:12 ] Miktetic > Now why am I a piece of garbage?

[ 2013.01.05 07:01:19 ] Miktetic > Because I shot a ship in a pvp game?

[ 2013.01.05 07:01:34 ] Jacob Lane Vulture > Because you took advantage of trusting people and a trusting corp….

[ 2013.01.05 07:01:48 ] Miktetic > That doesn’t make me garbage.  That makes me smarter than you.


And the usual excuses came out, too:


[ 2013.01.05 07:06:57 ] Miktetic > Oh, I thought of another way you can convince me to leave.

[ 2013.01.05 07:07:01 ] Miktetic > Give me a medal.

[ 2013.01.05 07:07:09 ] Qualinesti Harrashoni > No.

[ 2013.01.05 07:07:15 ] Jacob Lane Vulture > I could care less if you stay in here. 😛

[ 2013.01.05 07:07:16 ] Miktetic > I don’t care what it says.  It only costs you 5m isk.  Easy as that.

[ 2013.01.05 07:07:19 ] Jacob Lane Vulture > We’re not convincing you to leave.

[ 2013.01.05 07:07:25 ] Aurus Zezenstein > Is Miktetic like the failed abortion of the corporate family?

[ 2013.01.05 07:07:32 ] Qualinesti Harrashoni > yes he is

[ 2013.01.05 07:07:34 ] Jacob Lane Vulture > Pretty much.

[ 2013.01.05 07:07:38 ] Miktetic > You could care less if your corp ground to a halt because I killed anything that tried to accomplish anything?

[ 2013.01.05 07:07:40 ] Qualinesti Harrashoni > he’s just mad cuz he’s got a small penis

[ 2013.01.05 07:07:46 ] Qualinesti Harrashoni > and can’t get a hardon

[ 2013.01.05 07:07:48 ] Jacob Lane Vulture > Failed Abortion

[ 2013.01.05 07:07:53 ] Qualinesti Harrashoni > or a girlfriend

[ 2013.01.05 07:08:06 ] Qualinesti Harrashoni > OH MY GOD THAT’S HILARIOUS

[ 2013.01.05 07:08:17 ] Miktetic > See, that’s the usual method of failures.  Insulting me in real life.





[ 2013.01.05 07:10:36 ] Qualinesti Harrashoni > there’s something mentally wrong with you.

[ 2013.01.05 07:10:53 ] Miktetic > What?  I’m playing a video game I like.  You’re also playing a video game you like.  What’s the difference?

[ 2013.01.05 07:11:05 ] Qualinesti Harrashoni > you’re also being an ass.

[ 2013.01.05 07:11:27 ] Miktetic > Part of the video game I enjoy.

[ 2013.01.05 07:11:33 ] Miktetic > It’s not about the money.

[ 2013.01.05 07:11:36 ] Qualinesti Harrashoni > i really wanna see this guy in real life so i can kick his ass

[ 2013.01.05 07:11:57 ] Miktetic > It’s about you pouring molten hot rage all over your keyboard.

[ 2013.01.05 07:12:05 ] Miktetic > Why, because I beat you in a game?

[ 2013.01.05 07:12:16 ] Miktetic > Do you get that pissed if someone wins at monopoly?



This went on for some time before the whole thing took a very interesting turn. My good friend Ronni Zigman, who’s old blog you can go read over at linked the safari alt I was using in a channel we’re in and asked who it was.


It turned out that Ronni was running a space rental scam on these very dudes and their CEO was being distracted by my safari antics. So I cut a deal with Ronni. I’d let him show up and kill me for a small percentage of the proceeds of the scam. That way he gets to look like a hero in front of the pubbies.


Shortly after that conversation, the CEO starts talking about how “The Goons” owe him some favours and he’s going to drop a nullsec fleet on my caracal.


[ 2013.01.05 07:55:06 ] Jacob Lane Vulture > This is gonna be good.

[ 2013.01.05 07:55:19 ] jackyblade Ornulf > hmm?

[ 2013.01.05 07:55:43 ] Jacob Lane Vulture > I have a null sec fleet coming in.

[ 2013.01.05 07:55:48 ] Jacob Lane Vulture > They owe me a favor or two

[ 2013.01.05 07:56:05 ] Jacob Lane Vulture > GoonWaffe


So I went suspect at a planet, let Ronni’s atron kill me, and called it a night, satisfied that I had made the world a better place.


Have a pastebin. Sorry there’s so much extra in it. I’d trim it, but I’m lazy.



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One Comment
  1. Spysix permalink

    Oh my god, that was a corp full of weeaboos and fucktards. Killing/harassing them was a service to EvE

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