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How To Be Bad at Eve

by on February 27, 2013

As highsec griefers, we have the dubious distinction of seeing high concentrations of people being absolutely terrible at internet spaceships. We see “select all, fit to ship” fits, fleets of PVE ships showing up for fights, corps that issue roles to every newcomer, and an alarming number of people who get themselves Concorded without understanding what they did. In the past week, our wars have given us two rather interesting examples of people being Eve-dumb.

Fittings Are Optional

A little over a week ago, I was prowling the pipeline used by a particularly entertaining alliance we’ve been fighting with when I watched a target head into Rens in a shuttle. My instincts told me he was on a shopping trip and I set up on a gate to catch him coming back. Sure enough, not 5 minutes later I made the announcement on TeamSpeak:

“I’ve got a Golem tackled on gate.”

Before I’d even finished the sentence, this hapless pilot logged out. I guess he’d decided losing his shiny new ship was just too much to watch. So I held down the Golem while the rest of the Skunks piled in on the kill. And what a kill it was. A golem hauling three x-type x-large shield boosters, and nothing else. We stared at that killmail in stupefied awe for a bit, then grumbled about the total lack of drops. The loot fairy hates us…possibly because we keep her so busy.

The next day I logged in to update some skill queues before heading out to work. I see that one of my scouts has a war target in station with him. I go about my business, and notice the guy undocks. I follow and see him in a Megathron. I quickly log in my main in the next system and warp to the connecting gate…just as the poor guy jumps through into me. It seems he’d bought his very first battleship and was taking it home. Without any fittings.

Fast forward to two nights ago. We’re in Amarr, getting things set up and not generally doing anything at the moment. Steam Cat, our resident mad bomber, spots a wartarget in a Megathron in a nearby system. We get set up on the incoming gate and he jumps through into us a few minutes later. Guess what?

In the space of a week, three different people in the same alliance flew unfitted battleships through trade hub pipelines while at war. I’m…I’m at a loss for words.

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Surely They’re Gone By Now

Last night, we got the opportunity to revisit some old wartargets. After getting a fix on where they like to operate, we found a Drake pilot running a mission and set up to catch him on his way out. He popped through the gate and found me waiting, the others trailing behind by a few jumps. Rather than attempt to run, he locked me and started firing missiles. And that’s all he did. The Drake sat stationary as my Legion peeled off his shields. The others showed up and we were about to finish him off when Steam Cat announced that another one had appeared in the next system.

I called to hold damage and keep the Drake pinned so we could see if his corpmate came to his rescue. Sure enough, an Osprey undocked and came to the fight. As soon as we had the Osprey pointed, we killed the Drake. And then the Osprey. And the Opsrey pilot’s pod. There’s all kinds of terrible here: bad fits, bad tactics, bad decisions…but that’s just the setup.

We sat on the gate shooting each other and generally doing nothing while we held for new information. When it came, I couldn’t believe it. The Osprey pilot was in the next system and coming our way in a Rattlesnake. We didn’t have time to warp to the connecting gate to meet him, so we just hoped he would come to us. He did. We followed him through the gate and had our way with his new ship. At one point he decided it would be a good idea to smartbomb Monk’s drones; alas, we couldn’t get a neutral in range to attempt to grab some killrights before he gave up and set his self destruct. We didn’t wait. We also got his empty pod. Sure hope he remembered to upgrade his clone a few minutes before.

Why he came back through the exact same gate where he died is a mystery. He saw wartargets in local. He knew we were the same ones who had killed him. He could have easily dodged us by getting to a safe spot and attempt a safe logoff before we could scan him down.

In any other game, people would be frothing at the mouth from screaming at their teammates for playing the game this poorly. I don’t care if it’s League of Legends or Call of Duty or StarCraft…Eve is the only competitive game I’ve ever seen where people demand to be able to continue playing badly without anyone interfering.

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